I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
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welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Me driving through Toronto
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.