I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
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My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.