I want to know about the Oreo incident…
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Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids