I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
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Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
emergency phone
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.