I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
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They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
barbara was highly relatable
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
guys I’m going home
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case