I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

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Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look


Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken


My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.


I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.


Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.


One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.


COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go


Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.


If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger


So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.