Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
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Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.