@Home_Halfway

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

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@clichedout

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

@LibertyLayne01

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

@AngryRaccoon2

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

@FSUSteve

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

@texasstalkermom

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

@JanuaryJames

One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.

@panmidwest

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

@msdanifernandez

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

@donofalltrades1

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

@3sunzzz

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.