@clichedout Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
@Home_Halfway I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
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@clichedout 
@LibertyLayne01 Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
@AngryRaccoon2 My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
@FSUSteve I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
@texasstalkermom Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
@JanuaryJames One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
@panmidwest COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
@msdanifernandez Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
@donofalltrades1 If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
@3sunzzz So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.