I want to meet the individual who made this
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I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.