I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

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Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.


Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?



[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes


ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait


No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.


I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.


kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school


And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”


I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.