@Ohaiqtpie

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

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@DurtMcHurtt

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

@kDuncanG

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

@Shenanigans_luv

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

@deanjthompson

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

@dadopotamus_

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

@WheelTod

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

@Gupton68

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school

@mommeh_dearest

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

@elle91

I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.