I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
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THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal