I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
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[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Rt to bother an English speaker
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
This is my favorite one of these!
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet