I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
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Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
*bites zombie*
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
How I like cutting carbs
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.