“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
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I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.