I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
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[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.