I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
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Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
im 7 sauces long
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter