“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Me, reading some of your tweets
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
