I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
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For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
This pepper has seen some shit
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.