I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
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My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Thursday
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.