I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
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Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
okay run it by me one more time
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants