“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
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One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Happy weekend !
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”