I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
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At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.