i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
You Might Also Like
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.