I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
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I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
March 16
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS