I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

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Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation


I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone


Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.


I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”


Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.


Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]


Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.