“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
You Might Also Like
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
January has been Januweary
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.