I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
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The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.