I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
You Might Also Like
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
this is how life feels
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.