I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
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This is a true ally.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.