I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
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Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Finished stitching this today 😇
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
I thought this was funny lol