Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.