I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
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I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
do what now??
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.