I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
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Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*