I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
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A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
this is the greatest thing ever
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?