I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
You Might Also Like
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”