I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
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Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣