I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
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Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
why isn’t he texting back
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
the three branches of government
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…