I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
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No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Have a lovely day 😊
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs