I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
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How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
How I’d get arrested…
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’