I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
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Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
so i’m at the stock market right
WHY?!
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony