I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
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texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
A bold strategy
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*