I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
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Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
how it started vs how it ended
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-