I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
You Might Also Like
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Body by Oreos
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”