I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

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haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day


You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.


As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.


Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary


Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit


Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?


Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.