I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
You Might Also Like
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia