I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
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Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
saving face 👀
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.