I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
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PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack