I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
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Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing