I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
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what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me