I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
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With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
same energy
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.