Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.