I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
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The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Plant care tips
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options