I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
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Ron is short for Aaronald
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.