I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
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Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
why am I working on Labor Day
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.